Wise Women Read Romance

Wise Women Read Romance

peepchic

..Breast Cancer, Romance Books & I

“Wise is the Woman who shamelessly reads Romance. Yes she is!” Full stop. This is now my answer to anyone questioning my choice of reads. It’s up to the person questioning me to figure out what I mean by that statement. For a long time I tried to defend myself. Now I don’t.

It’s a pity that it took breast cancer to make me fully understand that escapism (within bounds) equals sanity and that anything that contributes to our sanity is something we should fully embrace, weather we’re facing adversity or not. After all, only a handful of human beings can deal with reality and reality alone. Most of us need a form of escapism.

I’m grateful that my Mother was a relentless reader. She forced me to enjoy my own company. “Learn to entertain yourself”, she’d say. “..and if the silence gets too loud, read a book!” She had an endless collection. Most of them, romance. I had free access as she hardly monitored my choice of books. With that much freedom, it didn’t take long for me to find out that romance was the way to go.

Then there was my psychologist. Luckily I was saved the task of having to find a suitable counselor as I already had one prior to my breast cancer diagnoses. Shortly after I was diagnosed, she asked if there was anything I had a passion for. Maybe something I hadn’t done in a while and would like to start doing again. “And by that, I don’t mean jumping off buildings for fun because it gives you a rush. You don’t need something that will consume the energy you’re going to need for treatment”. “Find whatever it is then try to balance it with what is going to become your reality. You’ll need it.” Later I would come to understand what she meant.

And so, a few months into my breast cancer treatment, with too much time on my hands and my mind wandering to dangerous places, I turned to my lost love, reading. I silently thanked my Mother and her countless monologues about how I should pick up a book and read. I thanked my psychologist for putting me back on the right track.

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Another day, a different test, the same hospital waiting room.

The night before was hard but it’s gone, the journey to the hospital is fine because I always have someone with me and we almost always have something to chat about. But at a certain point one is done chit chatting about trivialities, silence takes over and serious thoughts invade the mind. I try sitting still for a moment and look for something around me in the waiting room to occupy me.

The elderly lady serving coffee, she looks kind. What’s her story? Does she have cancer too?

Why did that couple bring along their children? Who is battling cancer in their family? Is it the father or the mother or even one of the children?

That’s a pretty painting on the wall. I wonder if other patients see the same thing that I do? Or maybe they’re awaiting bad news and therefore don’t even notice the painting.

And what’s with hospitals and art? Do they really think that a painting or photograph hanging on the wall will take your mind off your ill health?

Wow! That’s a colourful scarf on that gorgeous woman. I wonder if I can find that to go with my aqua blue top this summer. The chemo has taken all her hair. I wonder if chemo ever forgets to take a patients hair.

That couple in the corner. They’ve been whispering since they walked in. She’s crying. Is she in pain? Or is she dying? Maybe she’s crying for him.

I wonder what my tests will show this time. What if it’s bad news? What am I going to do then?

Nothing is interesting enough to hold my interest in a positive way. Every attempt to distract my wandering mind leads back to something negative and before I know it, my thoughts are suffocating me. They’re sucking up the little energy I have and I find it hard to even breathe. This is one of the many times that I whip out my book, preferably a romance book and delve into a world that is not my own. There will be time for scary thoughts later. For now, I immerse myself in someone else’s world which almost always leads to the all too familiar happily ever after. And with that I can dream of my own happily ever after. Whether it comes or not isn’t the point right now. The point is that I can hope, I can dream, I can feed my happy hormones even if my happy is coming from a romance book. I can save myself from going crazy which saves my energy. Energy I will need to fight another day.

(Image courtesy of vintage stock photos courtesy MementoMori-stock @ DeviantArt)

One step at a time..

…just another day of radiation treatment

Today I can’t. My body is not my friend. She refuses to cooperate. I don’t remember how many radiation sessions I’ve had, I just know there have been many and there are many more to come. I’m tired. I don’t feel well. All I want to do is sleep. This might be a blessing in disguise, my one chance at getting some rest. So I’ll just call the hospital, let them know I’m ill, that I won’t be coming in today and then crawl back into my warm bed. A comforting thought albeit a measly one.

“I’m sorry but we need you to come in.”, says the nurse. “But I’m ill”, I reply. I sound desperate but it doesn’t seem to faze her. “I know honey, but even with a fever, we need you to come in. Now!” Defeated, I lay down the phone after promising to be there as soon as possible. No rest for the wicked.

I stare longingly at my bed in its unmade state, ready to keep me warm and safe. Too tired, I turn my back on it and start getting ready. But everything hurts. I just don’t feel well.

Normally I’d be chatting away on the journey to the hospital. I’d thank my stars that we live so close by but today it’s silent. It hurts to even speak.                                                       Waiting my turn in an all too familiar hospital room, my lover beside me. I’m shivering. I want to lie down but how stupid would that be. He grasps my hand “It won’t be long now. You’re next. In a matter of minutes, it’ll be over and then we can go home. It’s ok, It’s ok..”. I realise I’m visibly shivering, my face is wet, I can hardly hold up my head.

I hear my name and slowly shuffle into the radiation room. “We heard you’re not feeling well.” The nurse says. “We’re so sorry but this has to be done”                                             As I undress, the tears stream down my face. I hear myself repeatedly whispering, “I’m cold, it’s so cold”

Gently the nurse guides me to the radiation table. She’s consoling me, telling me everything will be ok. “But it’s so cold” I cry. “I know, I know. You’re a strong woman though. You can do this. It’ll be over in no time”. I have no idea why I’m crying. It seems so silly but for the life of me, I can’t make the tears stop.

Lying on the table, chilled to the bone, “be still” they say. I try hard to stop shivering. I try or else it might take longer.                                                                                                         A few seconds is all it takes. It’s over. I’m free …for today.

I get up, dry my tears, thank the staff and nearly faint at the comforting thought of being able to crawl back into bed.

One step at a time, they say and never have truer words been spoken. Today was a giant step. Tomorrow is another day, another step.

I will fight another day, tomorrow.