October blues… (Breast Cancer Awareness Month)

Every year, right before Breast Cancer Awareness month, I find myself extremely confused.

I am happy, sad, bitter, angry, lonely, lost. I feel ugly, I feel beautiful. Loved, cherished. Dead yet alive. I cry but then I laugh because I realize that in spite of these feelings, my gratitude reigns supreme.

I accidentally came upon this work of art. For reasons unknown to me I was mesmerized. Then I knew why; While staring at it, trying to decide if I liked it or not, the word ‘confusion’ kept coming at me. Confused. This is how I feel right now. Confused.

As luck would have it.. or not, my very first breast cancer surgery took place on the 6th of October. Little did I know then that there would be many, many more to come or that this day will go into my book of ‘a day always to remember’ right along with other important days like the day that the young me saw that my God given breasts would be beautiful. Forever. Never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that these breasts might turn on me, become my foe, change my life for worse or maybe better?

So, after a few years of fighting my October blues, I think I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that every year, right before Breast Cancer Awareness month, I will always be confused… and that is OK.

October: Breast Cancer awareness month, Netherlands

6th of October: Breast Cancer awareness day, Netherlands

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